Your dad touched me again.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
