im six kinds of drunk right now
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
