all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
