She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You are a genius and a whore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
