im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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