Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
