Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
