That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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