wanna go halves on a baby?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
