Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
