Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
