He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
