I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
