You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
