Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
