I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
