Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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