Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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