I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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