Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
