i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
