I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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