stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
