I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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