Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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