were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
