all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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