My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
