My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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