you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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