I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Success! We fucked roommates!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
