If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
