Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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