I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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