I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
