My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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