Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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