Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
