Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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