Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
