my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I smell like Dick and happiness
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
