Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
