i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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