i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
