The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm both gender and math confused
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
