just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
