know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
