I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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