I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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