I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
